forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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