my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
