What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
