i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
