Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
