Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
