I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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