Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
