Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
