He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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