I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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