My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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