when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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