she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
