Can Purell be used as lube?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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