Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
