yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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