Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were trust falling into bushes
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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