I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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