So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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