Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
