1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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