It's like God shit irony all over that family
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
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Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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