erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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