That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
