The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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