her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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