the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
