i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
