Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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