Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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