I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize