im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
