Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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