i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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