Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
