and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
