He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
