After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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