shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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