i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
