the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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