I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
