so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
