If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
