my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
