Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
