I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
