we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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