dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize