But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
