Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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