I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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