watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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