apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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