she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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