By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
ttyl tear gas
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
