Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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