Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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