He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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