WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
